


Remembrance & Recovery

by fishfingersandjellybabies



Series: Dad!Jason AU [9]
Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 16:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4753763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishfingersandjellybabies/pseuds/fishfingersandjellybabies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dick wants to address Jason's struggles, and the choices he made. They were his fault, after all, and he needed to help pick up the pieces. </p>
<p>(takes place after <i>Broken Hearts & Shattered Minds</i>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembrance & Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> From a tumblr prompt, for 1000 followers. 
> 
> Takes place after _Broken Hearts & Shattered Minds_, probably within a two month window after Day 188. I wanted to get more into Dick’s guilt/confusion because Jason had once said nothing would ever come between him and taking care of Damian, and here this did, but didn’t quite get to it. Jason still acts a little off sometimes, which is why this conversation finally came up. Babs gave Dick picture/video proof of Jason’s struggles while he was gone. Roy and Kory came and took all the alcohol out of the apartment one day when the trio were at the park. I struggled a bit on this one, I’m sorry if it’s not super hella :/  **Trigger warnings: mentions of alcohol abuse.**

Jason didn’t think anything of it, when Dick didn’t do the silly voices during Damian’s playtime. Didn’t think anything of it when his shower took twenty minutes longer than normal. Didn’t think anything of it when he stayed behind in Damian’s room, after Damian had dozed off during storytime.

But he thought about it when Dick eventually shuffled into their room like a zombie. He thought about it when the click of the door closing seemed to echo through the small space. He thought about it when Dick moved across the room, quietly closed the window, and leaned back against it.

And he definitely thought about it when Dick whispered. “Jay, we’ve gotta talk.”

There was only one meaning to that sentence, and Jason’s heart dropped to his feet. He was still working to mend his soul after the last few months, and taking any sort of bad news without panicking was still a struggle.

But something like this, something like what that sentence _implied_ , was _not_ something he could handle. Not before, not now, not ever.

And Dick seemed to catch on, before he even lifted his gaze to where Jason was standing by the closet.

“Oh. Oh, _no_ , babe.” He rushed over, took Jason’s face in his hands, and kissed tenderly at the corner of his lips. Jason involuntarily reached up, tugged at the corner of the sleeves of Dick’s t-shirt. “Not like that, not _anything_ like that.”

“Then maybe you should rethink your opening line.” Jason breathed, pushing his weight against Dick’s lips.

“I know, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, I just-” Dick sighed, ran his thumb over Jason’s cheek. “This is just… _really_ important.”

“What is?” Jason asked tentatively. “What do we need to talk about?”

Dick bit his lip. He’d caused Jason enough pain. Enough heartache. And it wasn’t his place to dredge it all up once more, not when Jason was finally getting _better_. When they were _all_ finally getting _better_.

But.

He released Jason, and turned away. Sighed as he stepped towards the bed and sat on the edge. “About when I was…was gone.”

He almost heard Jason’s muscles going taut. Almost felt his lover’s panic, the terrible memories washing through his body.

“No.” Jason whispered.

“Jay-”

“I said no!” Jason pushed, voice rising. He jerked immediately, though, eyes darting towards the closed door, breath held as he listened for a sign that Damian had woken. “You promised, Dick. You _promised_ we could put that all behind us. That we could just _move on_ and _forget_ about it.”

“We can. We _will_.” Dick swore. “But, Jay. We need to talk about what you _did_.”

“I didn’t do _shit_.” Jason hissed. “So don’t you dare-”

“I’m _not_ , Jason. You know I’m not.” Dick whispered gently. “But. Jay. You hit the bottle. You…you shut down. Your mental state was…you…” Dick paused, debated his next words. “You…you left Damian _alone_.”

“ _Never_.” Jason snapped. “I _never_ did that.”

“ _Emotionally_ , Jay!” Dick shot back. “For Christ’s sake, he’s four! He didn’t know! All he knew was I was gone and you were…you weren’t _you!_ ”

Jason’s anger dissipated instantly, and seemed to almost shrink into himself as Dick spoke.

“You were distant, and he was scared. Mrs. E down the way told me about the day you were ‘sick.’” Dick continued. “And _man_ , Jay. We are two _lucky_ sons of bitches that he went to a _neighbor_ , not try to get across _town_.”

“…Did Damian tell you that?” Jason whispered, as Dick finished. “That he was…was scared?” A hesitation as Jason closed his eyes. “…Of _me?_ ”

“…He didn’t have to. Raised by the World’s Greatest Detective, remember?” Dick smirked, and it was rueful. “But he did, a little. Not all of it, and I don’t think he ever will. He wants to forget it all too, just like you, Jason. But he said a little. I got most of it from Cass. From Babs and Tim and Roy.”

There was a wind outside, an approaching storm, one that was supposed to hit not long after midnight. It rattled the windows and drafted against the curtains.

“He’d already lost me, and I think…with all that you were doing, Jay…I think he was scared he was about to lose _you_ , too.” Dick murmured, wanting more than anything to reach out, grab Jason’s hands and hold his lips against it. “So…Why, babe? Why do that to yourself? To _him_? That’s all I want to know. ‘Cause I know things were bad, but…we’ve done _bad_ before. _You’ve_ done bad before, you and Dames. And, for as long as I’ve known you both, when the going gets tough, you two band together and come out on top. So with this…?”

Dick drifted off, went quiet, pushed against his better judgment and waited. The question was simple, and he wasn’t going to waste his breath, or Jason’s time, in clarifying.

Besides, patience was a virtue, especially in the vigilante lifestyle. And Bruce had tried and tested that patience long ago.

Eventually, Jason sighed, kept his gaze low, half turned away. “Yeah, we’ve done bad. But this…you…you were _gone_. Presumed _dead_ , after a while. What…Dick, I…what else was I _supposed_ to do?” He glanced up, and tears were in his eyes. “I tried, babe. I did. For Damian, for…for _you_. Or your _memory_ , really. The whole _being strong_ thing, but.” A hitch, a gasp. “But Damian wasn’t the only one who was scared, Dick. He wasn’t the only one who was…downright _terrified_ , for over _three months_.”

Dick knew that. Just as Dick knew he was the cause of that. Dick remembered that, and lived with that, every day.

“You were gone and, I…didn’t know how I was going to do _any_ of this without you. For a while I felt like I couldn’t _breathe_. I couldn’t _think_. Everything _hurt_.” Jason emphasized, and Dick could see the memories bringing up physical reactions. “And alcohol is a great painkiller.” A humourless grin. A few quick blinks. “And it was better to feel _nothing_ than feel the pain of losing you. Of being alone.”

Dick sucked his lips through his teeth.

“And I knew. Of course I knew. It was affecting Damian. I tried to hide it, make it seem normal. _Natural_. But I just…I could feel it, you know? With the booze.” He bit his lip, as he thought about those months. “Like Damian was a thousand miles away. Like I couldn’t reach him, even if he was right there. Even if he was holding my hand or sitting on my lap I just…I felt like I wasn’t really there. Wasn’t really _with_ him. With _anyone_.”

Silence.

“You wrecked me, babe. You wrecked _everything_.” Jason whispered. And Dick finally gave in, finally reached out and grabbed Jason’s hands, pulled him forward and between his knees. “And that was the solution I’d found to deal with it.”

Dick kept pulling him forward, released Jason’s hand to cling to his hips, run his hands around Jason’s waist and down the back of his thighs. Closed his eyes and pressed his face against Jason’s navel. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Jason sighed, stroking his hands through Dick’s hair. “And it wasn’t…it wasn’t your _fault_ , beautiful.”

It was. Dick knew that. Jason was just being nice.

“But I…” Dick felt Jason’s abs tighten under his cheek, the fingers in his hair jerk. “Dick, can I…admit something?”

Despite Jason’s shirt, Dick leaned in, planted a kiss above his bellybutton. “Anything.”

“I…I’m still scared.” Jason whispered. “I’m scared because, babe, I’m not _better_.”

Dick leaned back, glanced upwards.

“Every day I want to buy another six-pack. Every night when you leave through that window, I want to chug it until I either pass out or you come back.” The words tumbled to the floor, but Dick didn’t watch them. Kept his eyes, and his hands, firmly on Jason. “I still take that flask to the garage. I never fill it, it’s always empty, but…I’ve entertained the thoughts of stealing Bruce’s dad’s fancy one, when we visit. Of raiding his liquor cabinet.”

The tears spilled over.

“I still wonder if I should have given him up. I wonder if I still _should_. If it would be the best thing for our baby, because he shouldn’t have to _see_ me like this.” Jason barely breathed. And Dick found himself involuntarily shaking his head. “And I still wonder why I’m not _okay_ again, because you’re _home_ and that’s all I _wanted_.”

“Then we’ll work on it together.” Dick murmured, reaching up to twist his fingers in Jason’s shirt, pull him down next to him. Jason flopped down easily enough, leaned his head on Dick’s shoulder as Dick wrapped his arms around him. He began a trail of kisses across Jason’s forehead. “…Thank you, Jason. For telling me all this.”

Jason sniffed. “You know there’s not much I would hide from you.”

“I know.” Dick whispered, ghosting his fingers across Jason’s cheek, smearing the tear tracks. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Jason. I’m so sorry I did this to you. To you and Damian, both.” A pause, to sigh. “…I love you, Jay. To the ends of the earth.”

And there was no hesitation – “I love you too, Dickie. With everything I’ve got.”

“What can I do?” Dick asked softly. “What can I do to help you through this?”

“For starters?” Jason let out a dry laugh, twisting and turning his face into Dick’s neck, twining his arms around Dick’s waist. Dick didn’t loosen his own hold, held him as tight as he ever had. “Don’t get kidnapped again.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dick returned the laugh, though his was warm and genuine. He kissed Jason’s temple, one last time. “I think I can do that for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Other things for Nevolition’s Dad!Jason AU](http://fishfingersandjellybabies.tumblr.com/tagged/dad%21jason+au)   
> 


End file.
